Poem 67

Broken hearts and shattered souls
A vacant life to behold
The wonders of what could have been
Has this year finally won?

Acceptance that I will not be
Alright, right now at least
Give me some time, I will return
A stronger, safer, me.

I trust that what has been is right
That fate made it all so
And with this truth I look forward to
The next act of my show.

For who can predict how we will be
A trigger, large or small
Can set us to be safe and free
Or make us fail it all.

I choose to be the me I was
Though hard as it may be
Life will not beat me anymore
I will fight to return to me.

Poem 66

Lost in a cloud

Floating below

Covered by mists that won’t let me show

Who I am

Who I once was

That smiling face, filled with love.

Echoes of laughter

Reverberate here

Under the cover of hidden fear

Slowly revealing

The shadows of hope

Creeping and claiming the one who was stole.

Found in a cloud

Risen above

Let me be seen, let me see love.

Poem 65

Thankful.
That’s what I am.
One foot in front of the other
Leading me to an escape.

My feet are working
My body healing by escaping
Walking in the air and being,
Free.

One step
Two step
The steps now all come.
Broken for so long but free to move now.

Freedom.
Steps.
Life shines happy when the air hits my face.
Time to escape and live
My
Real
Life.

Poem 64

Why do my eyes do this?

Crying for no reason

My brain flooding with unexpected emotion

Through the ducts, channelling my face.

Life’s uncertainties overwhelm

The seratonin struggles to balance

What can I do to make the world seem

Focused –

Full of acceptance?

I don’t understand this wave of … something

Rushing, coursing, debilitating.

For now I guess I’ll survive.

Somehow.

Poem 63

Sickness

The thought brings me sickness

The thought of carrying another child

Dread at the positive.

I don’t know what I’d do

I fear it more than I knew

That dependence of a creature

On my afflicted, tortured soul.

Who knows when I’ll be ready?

Time can measure but not predict

My delicate mind aching with terror

At a future not yet writ.

Poem 62

“You’ve never failed before”

The words were spoken

“At least not when it mattered”:

Unhelpful remarks to a damaged girl.

The empty womb a reminder of

A fail? Compare my loss.

It wasn’t of my doing

I failed not – it wasn’t me

That caused my life such ruin.

Words like such restrict the healing

Well intended though received in harm

You have failed to express your true meaning.

Failure?

I have failed none.

Poem 61

I fear that I’ll fail to keep my grip

On the good moods in life

That the dark thoughts will overcome

The ongoing fight.

I push the darkness away

But the words attach deep

They cut the good into the ground

Ready to sow new seeds.

I’ll wish and I’ll pray that new moods flower

To sustain this decaying body of mine.

A week, a month, a year before

The return –

will I ever be fine?

Poem 57

Up and down, up and down,

My moods they flutter up and down.

Approval granted for such variation

Doesn’t change the disappointed soul.

Happy yet sad, confused yet clear

I understand that you are not here

Life does go on, it has done, you’ve seen

Yet the grief attacks months after the scene.

Lows and highs, I feel them all

Powerful actions that cut through the heart

Warming or cooling depending upon

The aim of the attack thus far.

Freedom, I long for, my moods can’t sustain

The fluctuation of chemicals in my brain

Overthinking yet vacant, nothing in the stare

Nothing gazed upon either, now you’re not there.

Poem 56

New friendships blossom from the pain I have suffered

Growing strong whilst my child cannot

Invaluable companions, saving my life

I almost wish you’d go.

Friendships developed through a lack of something

Are they substitutions for love,

Or a healing factor necessary to

Reacquaint with my true self?

Extraordinary love of a friend still new

Reliant on our relationship I’ve become

The balance of someone new in my life

Replacing what has gone.

Poem 53

Happiness, it overwhelms
An unfamiliar feeling of late
Surprised by jovial attitudes
That make my cheeks ache.
The smiles and laugher returned to me
As though awoken from my fear
The chaos settled, comfortably
Now that my thoughts rest near.
Helpful presence in my life
That joyful internal spirit
Flickering the smiles into fast paced snapshots
 There is life in it.
Welcome to the happy realm
Where life can now go on.
Much can be said of being joyful
Happiness and I are one.