Poem 68

My heart still breaks when I think of how

I could have been meeting you

My body failed my heart which loved

A soul, destined to depart.

My love is pure as pure can be

For the soul too pure to face this world

Acceptance, my current state of grief

Believing heaven holds the best of me.


Poem 65

That’s what I am.
One foot in front of the other
Leading me to an escape.

My feet are working
My body healing by escaping
Walking in the air and being,

One step
Two step
The steps now all come.
Broken for so long but free to move now.

Life shines happy when the air hits my face.
Time to escape and live

Poem 51

The water laps upon the mystical shore
Swallowing the sand and rocks like prey
Beating the shells into submission before
The tide steals them far away.

I hear the crashing of the water from afar
Breaking the shore with restless wonder
The salty air cleansing my troublesome soul
Purging good and wickedness asunder.
Gentle sounds
Soothing the goodness and restoring
The failed body, internally scarred,

Forever in mourning?

Poem 47

Melancholy illuminated by candlelight
The flickering flame resonating with the unsteady mind
It dances, pirouetting like ill-shaped thoughts
Ultimately steady if not provoked.

The scent fragrances the air and
Cleanses the oversensed mind
A focus, capturing the vision from its lonely source.

Frenetic and unkempt though the mind can be
Calmed, now it is, with the lights serenity
A distraction from hellish thoughts of hurt
Entropy –

there must be balance in this heart.

Poem 39

My heart has learned to dream again

In daytime and in night

The flighty forces floating through

No longer filled with fright.

The desire for happiness is building up

That gentle release of calm

It lightens me and makes me see

I am still who I am.

Enlightened sleep filled with everlasting hope

Of smiles and laughter, being free

The clocks have turned, the cogs don’t yearn

To escape. There’s once again glee.

Poem 38

Last night I dreamt such a vivid dream

When all month there have been none

I dreamt of a child as yet unconceived

A beautiful and glorious son.

Complete joy escaped from my body

As I lay on the bed with him

I embraced him close and felt the way

I’ll always feel with you.

My gift from hope, presented to me

In a smiling, doting child

A reward for recovering from all pain

And accepting all denial.

To heal is to help a damaged soul

Only then can that peace be found

Mortals, we are all fighting to keep

Courageous love close and bound.

I speak to this child and tell him tales

Of a sibling he will never meet

But there’s hope in my heart that his precious heart

Will recover me and make me complete.

Poem 21

“Mummy” you called, then realised
Your sad mistake in regretful eyes.
He checked to see for panicked response
Instead encountering nonchalance.

“Daddy” you called and I smiled
Though sadness I saw in weary eyes
Longing like I had not too long ago
Wishing, though not wanting to reveal it so.

A single call, mistaken body
Unwilling response to an innocent child
The future still holding the chance to know
That call, in its truth, for us.

Poem 19

I crave the things I never did

Physical and emotional

The taste of foods I once dismissed

Are nectar newly formed

Yet sour do I find the taste

Of things I did once love

A harsh reality brought upon

This once so helpful one.

I crave to find the passion

I once always knew

A return to self is needed

To make a dream come true.

But can it be that I can again

Be what I was before.

This taste bud change has led to

A confusion of all knowing.

I crave for you to return

Though return you never can

A model new but never you

This crave can never end.

Songs that saved my life – May/June 2017

A friend of mine asked me if I would write a “Songs that saved my life” post because she was curious to read it. I once wrote a list of the 100 most important songs to me but this is going to be different. As people who have read the rest of this blog would expect, the three songs listed are all linked to my miscarriage. I will write another one some other time but not just yet. So here goes.

For Good – Wicked the Musical.

About one week after my miscarriage, I was listening to the radio and “For Good” from Wicked came on. I adore this musical and my favourite song has always been “The Wizard and I” because it speaks of naïve hope, something I wish people were allowed to have more. I have listened to the soundtrack multiple times and always appreciated “For Good” but I associated it with my husband or various friends. This time however, all I could think of was my lost child. And I cried.

“People come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn.”

Over the last month, I have heard this song repeatedly and I am so thankful for my new interpretation. I have had issues in the past where I know I should have spoken to someone but I refused to admit to others that I needed help. In the last week I admitted that I needed to talk to someone and I’ve made the first step towards counselling. Two decades of stifling the need for external help and now my lost child has given me that push to accept help. I could never have done that without them.

“Because I knew you, I have been changed for good.”

She Used to be Mine – Waitress the Musical

I love musicals. I always have. They speak of a hope and jollity that doesn’t exist in normal life; but it could if people were a bit lighter. I often reword songs based on what is happening and sing them as my husband and I are in the car or walking down the street. It injects laughter into life and we could all do with some more laughter. “She Used to be Mine” from Waitress is not a song involving laughter. It is a brutal, uncut description of someone who has lost themselves by no fault of their own. I first heard it when I was struggling at work about 8 months ago. I’d lost the love of what I was doing and felt unappreciated and beaten down. I took an action to change and started applying for other jobs, getting one in the same organisation but working on completely different work to reinvigorate myself. I listened to this song and I felt powerful and compelled for my changes.

The first time I listened to this song after the miscarriage, I felt even more resonance with it than I had ever done before. The lyrics

It’s not easy to know
I’m not anything like I used be

allowed me to admit that I had changed but that it wasn’t an issue that I had done so. My mental state is perfectly described by one section of lyrics:

She’s imperfect, but she tries
She is good, but she lies
She is hard on herself
She is broken and won’t ask for help
She is messy, but she’s kind
She is lonely most of the time
She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
She is gone, but she used to be mine

I knew that I needed to stop feeling like a failure but I couldn’t quite get there. To see me, no one would know that that was going on inside; I always presented myself as a beautiful pie.

How Long Will I Love You – Jon Boden

My husband and I have loved this song since we saw the film “About Time”. I remember the Ellie Goulding version coming out and us complaining that it was rubbish in comparison to the Jon Boden version. I quite like the original by The Waterboys as well but my husband isn’t as keen on the folksy side of it.

I love to dance and I think there is nothing more romantic than a husband and wife ignoring the world and dancing to a beautiful song together. The first day I felt truly OK after the miscarriage, I put this song on when I was sat with my husband. He is not a dancer but he knows that if I put this song on, he must dance. He pulled me in close and we danced for the short duration of the song. I felt like I could be whole again because I knew that no matter what, he would be there for me.

How long will I want you?
As long as you want me to
And longer by far.

I knew that he meant every word of the song as he sang along to it and I needed that healing power of his words at that moment in time. I cried but this time it was a combination of happy, relief tears and tears of the child we had lost who we would have loved so much. I felt safe for the first time in weeks.