Poem 80

Remember me
When you look in your mind
Remember me
And then you will find
Glimpses of the person
You knew that I was
Shimmers of the person
No longer with us.
But, look closer
And then you will see
She’s there in the shadows
Hiding from me.
Biding her time
Until she’s ready to be
That brave, stronger person
That brave, stronger me.

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Poem 79

Out with a bang
Or even a swallow,
A sniff or a poke,
A noose on a gallow.
Falling through air
Driving too fast
So many options
When I didn’t want to last.
I stopped myself
When I knew that I could
I stopped myself
Because I knew you would
Blame yourself
For not saving me
Now I thank you
Animatedly.

One year on

It has been one year since the worst day of my life: the day that honestly changed my life completely.

I wish I could say that I knew I was better for it but, in all honesty, I imagine that my baby is with me every day. I look at what I’m doing and think of how different my life would be right now if that heartbeat was still going.

In the year since my missed miscarriage, I have:

  • Been diagnosed with depression
  • Had grief counselling
  • Self harmed for the first time
  • Undergone CBT
  • Had a PCOS (polycystic ovaries syndrome) diagnosis confirmed
  • Suffered from stress so badly I wasn’t eating.
  • Been diagnosed as prediabetes.

It has been one hell of a year. However, in that time I have also:

  • Become an auntie
  • Seen 5 friends/family members get married
  • Seen friends become parents
  • Made lots of new friends, including some who will definitely be forever friends
  • Performed music live again
  • Completed two charity swim events, raising £1000.
  • Rebuilt my relationship with my sister
  • Opened up about my problems to my family.

That last point may not seem that important because I open up on here but, in person, I keep my problems very much to myself. I have become much better at knowing that it is ok to show weakness and need to get support from people. This has partly helped rebuild my relationship with my sister. That and her supportiveness about the miscarriage all while she was pregnant herself. She has kept me as involved as I want in my nephew’s life, even giving me permission to come round and cuddle him whenevers I want because he is the thing that is guard to make my face light up again.

This year has caused an incredible transformation. Do I wish it had never happened? Of course. But I also recognise that I cannot change what has passed. If I let myself try, I will go insane. I remind myself to be thankful for the things that I do have and hope that everything has happened for a reason.

Poem 73

It’s tiring
Pretending to be strong
My facade is effective
While the inside crumbles.
It’s hard to admit
The unwilling wallowing within
I can’t be the me
That I used to be.
Imbalanced and confused
No easy way to define
The feelings that
Overwhelm – pride.
I can’t admit
For the world to see
All my struggles are there
If you look closely.
See the hollow eye
Now devoid of its smile
It occasionally fills but
Is it a lie?
There once was a smile
For the world to see
You still see that facade
But there is no more me.

Poem 66

Lost in a cloud

Floating below

Covered by mists that won’t let me show

Who I am

Who I once was

That smiling face, filled with love.

Echoes of laughter

Reverberate here

Under the cover of hidden fear

Slowly revealing

The shadows of hope

Creeping and claiming the one who was stole.

Found in a cloud

Risen above

Let me be seen, let me see love.

Poem 65

Thankful.
That’s what I am.
One foot in front of the other
Leading me to an escape.

My feet are working
My body healing by escaping
Walking in the air and being,
Free.

One step
Two step
The steps now all come.
Broken for so long but free to move now.

Freedom.
Steps.
Life shines happy when the air hits my face.
Time to escape and live
My
Real
Life.

12 weeks on

Today marks 12.5 weeks since I found out about my missed miscarriage and 12 weeks since the physical miscarriage happened. In these 12 weeks, I have learnt more about myself than I ever wanted to know and I have become more dependent on people than I have ever been before. There have been good days and there have been bad days. Typically the good outnumber the bad but the last week or two has been particularly difficult and the balance has been off.

I wanted to write this for anyone who is struggling with a miscarriage, whether it is them or a friend/family member who has experienced it. The most important piece of information I have received is this:

You are allowed to grief. You have experienced a loss in the family. If it was someone people in the family knew about, you’d be allowed to grief: this is no different.

Those words were spoken to me by my counsellor. I have avoided going to counselling for many years but, with this, I reached the stage where I couldn’t avoid it any more. My counsellor has made me feel more validated than any other person who has tried to help me, my husband included. I am lucky enough to have a wonderful support network but, even with that network, I feel like I am failing sometimes by having such a strong reaction to the miscarriage. It is important to remember that feeling is not failing. When I’ve had moments where I am really struggling, I have told certain people whom I really trust and I get responses back like:

Well don’t be too hard on yourself. Your head’s doing whatever it needs to do.

Upon telling a friend that I am going to counselling, she said that she thought I was amazing to be tackling it full force and how much she admired me for it. It has given me that strength to keep pushing through on the bad days. I’ve learnt that there is no shame in needing to remove myself from situations that are just too much for me, even if someone else could cope. We each recover differently and that is the key thought for recovering from a miscarriage. Different people feel differently. I seem to be struggling more than other people I know who have had miscarriages but that is OK. 12 weeks on I have learnt that lesson – I hope anyone else reading this can learn it sooner.

Thank you for listening.

P.S. After 64 poems published consecutively, there may be a little break as the writing is dependent on my mood. That being said, I wrote 5 in one day the other week so maybe they will pick up again.

Poem 64

Why do my eyes do this?

Crying for no reason

My brain flooding with unexpected emotion

Through the ducts, channelling my face.

Life’s uncertainties overwhelm

The seratonin struggles to balance

What can I do to make the world seem

Focused –

Full of acceptance?

I don’t understand this wave of … something

Rushing, coursing, debilitating.

For now I guess I’ll survive.

Somehow.

Poem 63

Sickness

The thought brings me sickness

The thought of carrying another child

Dread at the positive.

I don’t know what I’d do

I fear it more than I knew

That dependence of a creature

On my afflicted, tortured soul.

Who knows when I’ll be ready?

Time can measure but not predict

My delicate mind aching with terror

At a future not yet writ.

Poem 62

“You’ve never failed before”

The words were spoken

“At least not when it mattered”:

Unhelpful remarks to a damaged girl.

The empty womb a reminder of

A fail? Compare my loss.

It wasn’t of my doing

I failed not – it wasn’t me

That caused my life such ruin.

Words like such restrict the healing

Well intended though received in harm

You have failed to express your true meaning.

Failure?

I have failed none.