Poem 66

Lost in a cloud

Floating below

Covered by mists that won’t let me show

Who I am

Who I once was

That smiling face, filled with love.

Echoes of laughter

Reverberate here

Under the cover of hidden fear

Slowly revealing

The shadows of hope

Creeping and claiming the one who was stole.

Found in a cloud

Risen above

Let me be seen, let me see love.

Poem 59

I feel weak for not being the version of me

Who understands and copes with what has gone wrong

The version who accepts that pain is good and that

Bottling only causes harm.

I hate that I can’t be free from these thoughts

Taking over my mind like a wraith

Digging into the trenches and

Pouring concrete to make them stay.

Breaking the thoughts is the hardest thing

Aside from surviving with your loss

I wish I could break the pain of my heart

Now that my love is lost.

Poem 56

New friendships blossom from the pain I have suffered

Growing strong whilst my child cannot

Invaluable companions, saving my life

I almost wish you’d go.

Friendships developed through a lack of something

Are they substitutions for love,

Or a healing factor necessary to

Reacquaint with my true self?

Extraordinary love of a friend still new

Reliant on our relationship I’ve become

The balance of someone new in my life

Replacing what has gone.

Poem 54

Sadness falls over my happy life
Regret and guilt over feeling fine
Confusion that I’m enjoying this time
– Healing. Acceptance. Quite.

I didn’t see that this day would come
Overwhelmed with being myself once more
Life pulling the happy turns through
Making sure to reintroduce the found ghost.

I’ve grown and I’ve learnt that it can get better
Although your loss will stay with me forever
I fluctuate in mood but overall I see
There’s nothing wrong with being free.

Poem 50

You opened up, revealing truths

Heard to other ears only once before

On hearing of my bodies rejection

You spoke of yours.

I cried.

My heart pained for the lost soul

Unexpected and unplanned though it was

Wishing you’d had a choice

The freedom of your own will.

How thankless it can be to be a woman

To carry a body only for the life to

Leave before the growing has truly begun

Marking you as mother of none.

A now spoken bond between two friends

Undesired but nonetheless worthy

Wanted or unwanted, the children are gone

It is never easy.

Poem 49

Life is crumbling from normality

Fading into a juxtaposed state

Here and there, love and lost love

Where do I sit to know what is right?

The echoes of a life together

With now lost love which once he held

She held the hopes of all futures

One to unite, eternal vows.

Has it gone or is it hiding

Caught up in the rest of life not

Unravelling, just caught on the corner

Awaiting a hopeful verdict on true love.

Poem 48

Glittering butterflies fluttering through
The green grasses covering you
Protecting and providing rest and shade
Comforting to know you are safe.

Graceful and elegant floating around
Not quite so silent when listening for sound
What cares do you have that might make you be
Saddened whilst you fly free?

Flower to flower, tree to tree
You settle where your needs be
That I were a butterfly travelling free
Settling only where my heart is happy.

Poem 39

My heart has learned to dream again

In daytime and in night

The flighty forces floating through

No longer filled with fright.

The desire for happiness is building up

That gentle release of calm

It lightens me and makes me see

I am still who I am.

Enlightened sleep filled with everlasting hope

Of smiles and laughter, being free

The clocks have turned, the cogs don’t yearn

To escape. There’s once again glee.

Poem 38

Last night I dreamt such a vivid dream

When all month there have been none

I dreamt of a child as yet unconceived

A beautiful and glorious son.

Complete joy escaped from my body

As I lay on the bed with him

I embraced him close and felt the way

I’ll always feel with you.

My gift from hope, presented to me

In a smiling, doting child

A reward for recovering from all pain

And accepting all denial.

To heal is to help a damaged soul

Only then can that peace be found

Mortals, we are all fighting to keep

Courageous love close and bound.

I speak to this child and tell him tales

Of a sibling he will never meet

But there’s hope in my heart that his precious heart

Will recover me and make me complete.

Mental Health: Personal Awareness

I need help.

I can say that now.

I am well on the way to getting help – I have acknowledged that I am not well.

Like many people, I grew up with a stigma about mental health. I was always told that grit and determination will get you there but that isn’t always the case. I wouldn’t describe myself as having had a tough childhood but there was a lot of pressure on me and I often didn’t let myself come to terms with things that I should have come to terms with. When there was turmoil, I became the pillar caught in the middle, trying not to let everything crumble. Now, I’ve finally cracked.

I had thought of self harm often as a child/young adult but I thought that if I did anything, I would seem weak and people would notice. The other day, I self harmed for the first time. I didn’t want to do it and I kept trying not to but the aggravation within my skin was so intense that I couldn’t not do it. I didn’t penetrate the skin because, thankfully, the knife was pretty blunt, but that doesn’t detract from what I did. It helped relieve me, whilst at the same time showing me how truly fragile my mental state was right now. As I described to a friend, my miscarriage seems to have triggered my historic issues and won’t let me cover them up anymore. As scary as it is to accept, I can now admit that I have a problem and, just as I would if I was physically hurt, I need to do all that I can to take care of myself.

I have shared all my poetry with the hope that it will start to reduce some of the stigma around miscarriage. I have written this as I want to do my part to reduce the stigma around mental health. You will see from some of my future poems that there is a darkness that has stemmed from my mental health rather than the miscarriage – please do not be afraid to acknowledge if some of it resonates with you. Please do not think that you are weak if you need to seek help to stop yourself doing something harmful. You are the strong one for wanting to help yourself and, in turn, the people around you. My husband is worried about me but some of that worry has been relieved by me saying that I have opened up to select people and that I now have counselling arranged. When I feel unworthy of help, I think of him and how I want to be healthy for the both of us. His patience, love, and devotion deserve it.

Where to call for help in the UK