I walk down the long and winding road
Such beautiful views to see
Until I reach a fork in the path
The choice is up to me.
To follow the hopes and dreams and fear
Of not achieving what could be
Or to risk it all and be able to say
At least I came home safely.
The decision, it rests on who I am
At this single moment in my life
The me of darkness, full of pain
The lacklustre me full of strife.
Which path to choose, new hope could there be
Down the path invitingly green
“Take a chance and you’ll see your right to be free”
It calls so temptingly.
To go left or go right
My feet remain still
I’m floored, I’m stuck
There’s no free will.
Today should be a day we celebrate
A day filled with joy, and pain
A day we meet a new life
And our life has some gain
But instead today we miss all things
The beauty of new life
Why can’t I have that life?
A pair of lungs that screams and screams
Until comforted by me
They settle info rhythmic rasps
Your time, it was not meant to be
Unhelpful as that knowledge is
I must go on, but I will remember
Your life that was never lived.
My heart still breaks when I think of how
I could have been meeting you
My body failed my heart which loved
A soul, destined to depart.
My love is pure as pure can be
For the soul too pure to face this world
Acceptance, my current state of grief
Believing heaven holds the best of me.
Broken hearts and shattered souls
A vacant life to behold
The wonders of what could have been
Has this year finally won?
Acceptance that I will not be
Alright, right now at least
Give me some time, I will return
A stronger, safer, me.
I trust that what has been is right
That fate made it all so
And with this truth I look forward to
The next act of my show.
For who can predict how we will be
A trigger, large or small
Can set us to be safe and free
Or make us fail it all.
I choose to be the me I was
Though hard as it may be
Life will not beat me anymore
I will fight to return to me.
Am I betraying your memory
If I choose to stop?
Did you have a memory for me to betray?
Sometimes I think it would be easier if
And let all of the past disappear.
It hurts that I had to let you go
I’m thankful for what I’ve gained from it.
Losing you was worse than I could have thought
And yet –
Do I regret it?
I wish you could splash through the bubbling brook
Creating a world full of chaos.
Instead I sit and watch the still stream
Still chaotic but
Invisible to see.
Up and down, up and down,
My moods they flutter up and down.
Approval granted for such variation
Doesn’t change the disappointed soul.
Happy yet sad, confused yet clear
I understand that you are not here
Life does go on, it has done, you’ve seen
Yet the grief attacks months after the scene.
Lows and highs, I feel them all
Powerful actions that cut through the heart
Warming or cooling depending upon
The aim of the attack thus far.
Freedom, I long for, my moods can’t sustain
The fluctuation of chemicals in my brain
Overthinking yet vacant, nothing in the stare
Nothing gazed upon either, now you’re not there.
Sadness falls over my happy life
Regret and guilt over feeling fine
Confusion that I’m enjoying this time
– Healing. Acceptance. Quite.
I didn’t see that this day would come
Overwhelmed with being myself once more
Life pulling the happy turns through
Making sure to reintroduce the found ghost.
I’ve grown and I’ve learnt that it can get better
Although your loss will stay with me forever
I fluctuate in mood but overall I see
There’s nothing wrong with being free.
Happiness, it overwhelms
An unfamiliar feeling of late
Surprised by jovial attitudes
That make my cheeks ache.
The smiles and laugher returned to me
As though awoken from my fear
The chaos settled, comfortably
Now that my thoughts rest near.
Helpful presence in my life
That joyful internal spirit
Flickering the smiles into fast paced snapshots
There is life in it.
Welcome to the happy realm
Where life can now go on.
Much can be said of being joyful
Happiness and I are one.