Poem 68

My heart still breaks when I think of how

I could have been meeting you

My body failed my heart which loved

A soul, destined to depart.

My love is pure as pure can be

For the soul too pure to face this world

Acceptance, my current state of grief

Believing heaven holds the best of me.

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Poem 67

Broken hearts and shattered souls
A vacant life to behold
The wonders of what could have been
Has this year finally won?

Acceptance that I will not be
Alright, right now at least
Give me some time, I will return
A stronger, safer, me.

I trust that what has been is right
That fate made it all so
And with this truth I look forward to
The next act of my show.

For who can predict how we will be
A trigger, large or small
Can set us to be safe and free
Or make us fail it all.

I choose to be the me I was
Though hard as it may be
Life will not beat me anymore
I will fight to return to me.

Poem 62

“You’ve never failed before”

The words were spoken

“At least not when it mattered”:

Unhelpful remarks to a damaged girl.

The empty womb a reminder of

A fail? Compare my loss.

It wasn’t of my doing

I failed not – it wasn’t me

That caused my life such ruin.

Words like such restrict the healing

Well intended though received in harm

You have failed to express your true meaning.

Failure?

I have failed none.

Poem 61

I fear that I’ll fail to keep my grip

On the good moods in life

That the dark thoughts will overcome

The ongoing fight.

I push the darkness away

But the words attach deep

They cut the good into the ground

Ready to sow new seeds.

I’ll wish and I’ll pray that new moods flower

To sustain this decaying body of mine.

A week, a month, a year before

The return –

will I ever be fine?

Poem 58

Am I betraying your memory

If I choose to stop?

Although – 

Did you have a memory for me to betray?
Sometimes I think it would be easier if

I forgot

And let all of the past disappear.

It hurts that I had to let you go

Yet

I’m thankful for what I’ve gained from it.

Losing you was worse than I could have thought

And yet – 

Do I regret it?

I wish you could splash through the bubbling brook

Creating a world full of chaos.

Instead I sit and watch the still stream

Still chaotic but

Invisible to see.

Poem 57

Up and down, up and down,

My moods they flutter up and down.

Approval granted for such variation

Doesn’t change the disappointed soul.

Happy yet sad, confused yet clear

I understand that you are not here

Life does go on, it has done, you’ve seen

Yet the grief attacks months after the scene.

Lows and highs, I feel them all

Powerful actions that cut through the heart

Warming or cooling depending upon

The aim of the attack thus far.

Freedom, I long for, my moods can’t sustain

The fluctuation of chemicals in my brain

Overthinking yet vacant, nothing in the stare

Nothing gazed upon either, now you’re not there.

Poem 54

Sadness falls over my happy life
Regret and guilt over feeling fine
Confusion that I’m enjoying this time
– Healing. Acceptance. Quite.

I didn’t see that this day would come
Overwhelmed with being myself once more
Life pulling the happy turns through
Making sure to reintroduce the found ghost.

I’ve grown and I’ve learnt that it can get better
Although your loss will stay with me forever
I fluctuate in mood but overall I see
There’s nothing wrong with being free.

Poem 53

Happiness, it overwhelms
An unfamiliar feeling of late
Surprised by jovial attitudes
That make my cheeks ache.
The smiles and laugher returned to me
As though awoken from my fear
The chaos settled, comfortably
Now that my thoughts rest near.
Helpful presence in my life
That joyful internal spirit
Flickering the smiles into fast paced snapshots
 There is life in it.
Welcome to the happy realm
Where life can now go on.
Much can be said of being joyful
Happiness and I are one.

Poem 49

Life is crumbling from normality

Fading into a juxtaposed state

Here and there, love and lost love

Where do I sit to know what is right?

The echoes of a life together

With now lost love which once he held

She held the hopes of all futures

One to unite, eternal vows.

Has it gone or is it hiding

Caught up in the rest of life not

Unravelling, just caught on the corner

Awaiting a hopeful verdict on true love.