Poem 60

What would you think if you met me today?

Would you be sad or happy to see me?

So affected by your loss have I been that

You might not recognise this being.

My mind has been fractured, destroyed by the pain

The grief, the anger, the heartbreak

But my body only bears one scar

From when I tried to end it.

If you could see how you’re loved

And how your death has wrecked me

Maybe you wouldn’t have gone.

Your life could have saved me.

Poem 59

I feel weak for not being the version of me

Who understands and copes with what has gone wrong

The version who accepts that pain is good and that

Bottling only causes harm.

I hate that I can’t be free from these thoughts

Taking over my mind like a wraith

Digging into the trenches and

Pouring concrete to make them stay.

Breaking the thoughts is the hardest thing

Aside from surviving with your loss

I wish I could break the pain of my heart

Now that my love is lost.

Poem 58

Am I betraying your memory

If I choose to stop?

Although – 

Did you have a memory for me to betray?
Sometimes I think it would be easier if

I forgot

And let all of the past disappear.

It hurts that I had to let you go

Yet

I’m thankful for what I’ve gained from it.

Losing you was worse than I could have thought

And yet – 

Do I regret it?

I wish you could splash through the bubbling brook

Creating a world full of chaos.

Instead I sit and watch the still stream

Still chaotic but

Invisible to see.

Poem 57

Up and down, up and down,

My moods they flutter up and down.

Approval granted for such variation

Doesn’t change the disappointed soul.

Happy yet sad, confused yet clear

I understand that you are not here

Life does go on, it has done, you’ve seen

Yet the grief attacks months after the scene.

Lows and highs, I feel them all

Powerful actions that cut through the heart

Warming or cooling depending upon

The aim of the attack thus far.

Freedom, I long for, my moods can’t sustain

The fluctuation of chemicals in my brain

Overthinking yet vacant, nothing in the stare

Nothing gazed upon either, now you’re not there.

Poem 55

Bump, no bump

What difference does it make

The physical manifestation of the missing piece.

That bump you hide

How I’d long to flaunt it

Presenting with pride the child within.

Embarassed by your size

Why do you fear it so?

What I would give that mine didn’t go.

Counteracting sadness

That I can’t reveal

A similar product – I’m physically healed.

Poem 54

Sadness falls over my happy life
Regret and guilt over feeling fine
Confusion that I’m enjoying this time
– Healing. Acceptance. Quite.

I didn’t see that this day would come
Overwhelmed with being myself once more
Life pulling the happy turns through
Making sure to reintroduce the found ghost.

I’ve grown and I’ve learnt that it can get better
Although your loss will stay with me forever
I fluctuate in mood but overall I see
There’s nothing wrong with being free.

Poem 53

Happiness, it overwhelms
An unfamiliar feeling of late
Surprised by jovial attitudes
That make my cheeks ache.
The smiles and laugher returned to me
As though awoken from my fear
The chaos settled, comfortably
Now that my thoughts rest near.
Helpful presence in my life
That joyful internal spirit
Flickering the smiles into fast paced snapshots
 There is life in it.
Welcome to the happy realm
Where life can now go on.
Much can be said of being joyful
Happiness and I are one.

Poem 37

The cold metal pressed against my arm

Readying for the release of liquid terror

Anticipating pain on a marked form

Suspended thoughts fighting the blade.

Time passes and still, no terror flows

The flesh freezes with unexpected contact

Too long has passed and it won’t be done

The action admitting the yearning cry.

Desperation for a physical mark to show

Bearing on behalf of the wounded mind

That organ so twisted and tortured in anguish

Yet hidden behind an ever false smile.

The metal releases, now warm from the fight

Stowed away ready for the war next night.