Pretending to be strong
My facade is effective
While the inside crumbles.
It’s hard to admit
The unwilling wallowing within
I can’t be the me
That I used to be.
Imbalanced and confused
No easy way to define
The feelings that
Overwhelm – pride.
I can’t admit
For the world to see
All my struggles are there
If you look closely.
See the hollow eye
Now devoid of its smile
It occasionally fills but
Is it a lie?
There once was a smile
For the world to see
You still see that facade
But there is no more me.
Today should be a day we celebrate
A day filled with joy, and pain
A day we meet a new life
And our life has some gain
But instead today we miss all things
The beauty of new life
Why can’t I have that life?
A pair of lungs that screams and screams
Until comforted by me
They settle info rhythmic rasps
Your time, it was not meant to be
Unhelpful as that knowledge is
I must go on, but I will remember
Your life that was never lived.
My heart still breaks when I think of how
I could have been meeting you
My body failed my heart which loved
A soul, destined to depart.
My love is pure as pure can be
For the soul too pure to face this world
Acceptance, my current state of grief
Believing heaven holds the best of me.
What would you think if you met me today?
Would you be sad or happy to see me?
So affected by your loss have I been that
You might not recognise this being.
My mind has been fractured, destroyed by the pain
The grief, the anger, the heartbreak
But my body only bears one scar
From when I tried to end it.
If you could see how you’re loved
And how your death has wrecked me
Maybe you wouldn’t have gone.
Your life could have saved me.
I feel weak for not being the version of me
Who understands and copes with what has gone wrong
The version who accepts that pain is good and that
Bottling only causes harm.
I hate that I can’t be free from these thoughts
Taking over my mind like a wraith
Digging into the trenches and
Pouring concrete to make them stay.
Breaking the thoughts is the hardest thing
Aside from surviving with your loss
I wish I could break the pain of my heart
Now that my love is lost.
Am I betraying your memory
If I choose to stop?
Did you have a memory for me to betray?
Sometimes I think it would be easier if
And let all of the past disappear.
It hurts that I had to let you go
I’m thankful for what I’ve gained from it.
Losing you was worse than I could have thought
And yet –
Do I regret it?
I wish you could splash through the bubbling brook
Creating a world full of chaos.
Instead I sit and watch the still stream
Still chaotic but
Invisible to see.
Up and down, up and down,
My moods they flutter up and down.
Approval granted for such variation
Doesn’t change the disappointed soul.
Happy yet sad, confused yet clear
I understand that you are not here
Life does go on, it has done, you’ve seen
Yet the grief attacks months after the scene.
Lows and highs, I feel them all
Powerful actions that cut through the heart
Warming or cooling depending upon
The aim of the attack thus far.
Freedom, I long for, my moods can’t sustain
The fluctuation of chemicals in my brain
Overthinking yet vacant, nothing in the stare
Nothing gazed upon either, now you’re not there.