Poem 73

It’s tiring
Pretending to be strong
My facade is effective
While the inside crumbles.
It’s hard to admit
The unwilling wallowing within
I can’t be the me
That I used to be.
Imbalanced and confused
No easy way to define
The feelings that
Overwhelm – pride.
I can’t admit
For the world to see
All my struggles are there
If you look closely.
See the hollow eye
Now devoid of its smile
It occasionally fills but
Is it a lie?
There once was a smile
For the world to see
You still see that facade
But there is no more me.

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Never met due date

Today should be a day we celebrate
A day filled with joy, and pain
A day we meet a new life
And our life has some gain
But instead today we miss all things
The beauty of new life
Sadness overwhelms
Why can’t I have that life?
A pair of lungs that screams and screams
Until comforted by me
They settle info rhythmic rasps
With synchronicity.
Your time, it was not meant to be
Unhelpful as that knowledge is
I must go on, but I will remember
Your life that was never lived.

Poem 71

I’d give all my heartbeats

To have you here

Lying awake, screaming

Not sleeping or dreaming

But wanting me near.

Though by losing you

I’ve come to see

How much more I would cherish

The siblings you’ll

Never meet.

Every moment of pain

Whilst carrying their form

I’ll try not to complain

For a miracle will be born.

Every restless night

And aching back

I’ll think and love

– You gave me that.

For though you left this world

Before you could be

Your mark is irreplaceable

You’ve forever marked me.

Poem 70

I look in the mirror and all I can see

Is desires, promised of what could have been

What should have been if you’d be here

Instead my mortal flesh now drowned in despair.

If you were here my eyes would shine

Sparkling with futures yet unknown

My cheeks would ache from all the smiles

Tired hands massaging the tired bones.

My furrowed brow still furrowed with you

Through worry rather than feeling blue

And my ears would listen, ever alert

Fearing a cry that signals hurt.

I look in the mirror and all I can see

Is the loneliness of being, the loneliness of me.

Poem 60

What would you think if you met me today?

Would you be sad or happy to see me?

So affected by your loss have I been that

You might not recognise this being.

My mind has been fractured, destroyed by the pain

The grief, the anger, the heartbreak

But my body only bears one scar

From when I tried to end it.

If you could see how you’re loved

And how your death has wrecked me

Maybe you wouldn’t have gone.

Your life could have saved me.

Poem 59

I feel weak for not being the version of me

Who understands and copes with what has gone wrong

The version who accepts that pain is good and that

Bottling only causes harm.

I hate that I can’t be free from these thoughts

Taking over my mind like a wraith

Digging into the trenches and

Pouring concrete to make them stay.

Breaking the thoughts is the hardest thing

Aside from surviving with your loss

I wish I could break the pain of my heart

Now that my love is lost.

Poem 58

Am I betraying your memory

If I choose to stop?

Although – 

Did you have a memory for me to betray?
Sometimes I think it would be easier if

I forgot

And let all of the past disappear.

It hurts that I had to let you go

Yet

I’m thankful for what I’ve gained from it.

Losing you was worse than I could have thought

And yet – 

Do I regret it?

I wish you could splash through the bubbling brook

Creating a world full of chaos.

Instead I sit and watch the still stream

Still chaotic but

Invisible to see.

Poem 57

Up and down, up and down,

My moods they flutter up and down.

Approval granted for such variation

Doesn’t change the disappointed soul.

Happy yet sad, confused yet clear

I understand that you are not here

Life does go on, it has done, you’ve seen

Yet the grief attacks months after the scene.

Lows and highs, I feel them all

Powerful actions that cut through the heart

Warming or cooling depending upon

The aim of the attack thus far.

Freedom, I long for, my moods can’t sustain

The fluctuation of chemicals in my brain

Overthinking yet vacant, nothing in the stare

Nothing gazed upon either, now you’re not there.