A broken face
Once full of dreams
Glints with memories of what could have been
If futures had altered
And paths foreseen
The shadows of the world, within.
I see the path
That calls to you
Whispering and dragging, pulling you to
The way that life
Is meant to be lived
Full of smiles, truths, and wonderment.
I beckon you
One day to see
What you deserve; you deserve to be free.
Over the last week I have opened up truths about the last year to a new friend. It wasn’t painful to be honest for once, it was refreshing. But something was painful.
I decided to write a short play for an event, which I did. Then I thought I should get back to the play I started writing last year. I found it and read through it again to remind myself where I needed to write more. That’s when it got painful. I threw my soul into those words and they bit me. I felt melancholy and close to tears the rest of the day, only feeling better when meeting the earlier mentioned friend.
Yesterday, I played the song I wrote almost a year ago which defines the miscarriage for me. I’ve played it a number of times but, this time, I started crying. Maybe it is just tiredness or maybe everything is feeling raw at the moment.
My husband thinks that it is the time of year. It is a year since I started writing again and I started learning to recover. Looking back on who I was then is like looking at a different person most of time time. I can sometimes see that anger though, glinting back up. I walk with my nephew and people smile at me. I don’t have that in the rest of my life.
Being a mother changes the way the world views you. Being a mother without a child changes the way you view the world.
Parallel lives, parallel worlds
Looking left and right at all that could be
Seeing the joy, seeing the sadness
Seeing the heartbreak bestowed on me
Now that you’re gone, returned to the ground
Now that you’re gone…
…I fear I’ll be found.
I walk down the long and winding road
Such beautiful views to see
Until I reach a fork in the path
The choice is up to me.
To follow the hopes and dreams and fear
Of not achieving what could be
Or to risk it all and be able to say
At least I came home safely.
The decision, it rests on who I am
At this single moment in my life
The me of darkness, full of pain
The lacklustre me full of strife.
Which path to choose, new hope could there be
Down the path invitingly green
“Take a chance and you’ll see your right to be free”
It calls so temptingly.
To go left or go right
My feet remain still
I’m floored, I’m stuck
There’s no free will.
Pretending to be strong
My facade is effective
While the inside crumbles.
It’s hard to admit
The unwilling wallowing within
I can’t be the me
That I used to be.
Imbalanced and confused
No easy way to define
The feelings that
Overwhelm – pride.
I can’t admit
For the world to see
All my struggles are there
If you look closely.
See the hollow eye
Now devoid of its smile
It occasionally fills but
Is it a lie?
There once was a smile
For the world to see
You still see that facade
But there is no more me.
What would you think if you met me today?
Would you be sad or happy to see me?
So affected by your loss have I been that
You might not recognise this being.
My mind has been fractured, destroyed by the pain
The grief, the anger, the heartbreak
But my body only bears one scar
From when I tried to end it.
If you could see how you’re loved
And how your death has wrecked me
Maybe you wouldn’t have gone.
Your life could have saved me.