The hardest thing
Is when people don’t know.
Comments pass by
Each one a blow.
The missing mention
Life was not good.
The jealous pangs
When people talk about
The laughter and smiles
Before forced to shout
At their beautiful gift
Present and true.
But I lost my gift.
I lost you.
The sun warms my aching mind
Torn up over the life that has passed me by
A year of wonder, a year of pain
A year of not knowing if I’ll be the same
As once I was, just 12 months ago
As once I was when you made me whole.
The sun warms my healing heart
Reminding me that all things scar
They make us stronger, they make us stand tall
They show us that we recover when we fall
Down upon the worst of luck but, with love
I will always make it up.
Revelations of the life we could have had
Playtimes and snuggles at the drop of a hat.
Walking your pushchair down through the park
Protecting you so the sun won’t mark.
Watching and waiting as you slowly drop off
Into a peaceful sleep – it is never enough.
Wishing you would eat one more bite
Of the food presented in your clear sight.
Revelation: when you open your eyes and see
The smile that could have belonged to me.
It has been one year since the worst day of my life: the day that honestly changed my life completely.
I wish I could say that I knew I was better for it but, in all honesty, I imagine that my baby is with me every day. I look at what I’m doing and think of how different my life would be right now if that heartbeat was still going.
In the year since my missed miscarriage, I have:
- Been diagnosed with depression
- Had grief counselling
- Self harmed for the first time
- Undergone CBT
- Had a PCOS (polycystic ovaries syndrome) diagnosis confirmed
- Suffered from stress so badly I wasn’t eating.
- Been diagnosed as prediabetes.
It has been one hell of a year. However, in that time I have also:
- Become an auntie
- Seen 5 friends/family members get married
- Seen friends become parents
- Made lots of new friends, including some who will definitely be forever friends
- Performed music live again
- Completed two charity swim events, raising £1000.
- Rebuilt my relationship with my sister
- Opened up about my problems to my family.
That last point may not seem that important because I open up on here but, in person, I keep my problems very much to myself. I have become much better at knowing that it is ok to show weakness and need to get support from people. This has partly helped rebuild my relationship with my sister. That and her supportiveness about the miscarriage all while she was pregnant herself. She has kept me as involved as I want in my nephew’s life, even giving me permission to come round and cuddle him whenevers I want because he is the thing that is guard to make my face light up again.
This year has caused an incredible transformation. Do I wish it had never happened? Of course. But I also recognise that I cannot change what has passed. If I let myself try, I will go insane. I remind myself to be thankful for the things that I do have and hope that everything has happened for a reason.