Poem 45

If I stay, should I stay, what is left to fear?

I’ll have my love, the one who’s here

A smile and a dance, jovial moods

Splattered with my failing, my ineptitude.

If I go, should I go, what would I fear?

That my love, he won’t be so near

Separated by Earth and depression, loathing

The act that saw the fight stopping.

Caught in a crossfire of love and hate

Of fraught relationships – damn you fate!

Stolen and split my life has become

And, who knows,

am I done?

Poem 35

Unwarranted shame imprints on the mind

Poisoning otherwise pure moments

Infecting the smiles of momentary relief

From a grief abundantly potent.

The struggle to heal and fight is real

The weariness impedes battling limbs

The heart, the stomach, the brain all weak

Marching making no more than a quiver.

Dragging the soulless creature to the front

To face the demons with open arms

Embrace or decline? It is not yet decided

But a fight will occur ’til death do us parted.

Poem 33

My bite is gone

It doesn’t grasp

The taste of what

Was meant to pass.

It swaggers and sways

And falls through

The cracks forming

Between me and you.

Body and soul gradually drifting

The seams splitting the delicate thread

No longer connected in unison

But fraught with fear and regret.

Observing behaviours from above and below

Wishing the actions had a heart to make them so

Eager and willing and wholesome and true

Alas, what is left of you?

Poem 24

Negative
All gone
It’s like you didn’t happen
The test says my body has returned to its self
That self
Once assured
That goodness was so close
Now unsure of the truth and reality

I knew to expect it but
It still hurt to see
That faithful cross
Now a negative

Physically gone but
Mentally you’ll never leave
The day you were born,
I always will grieve.

Poem 22

The monster appears

Fighting out

Pressing the heart

Before teasing it out.

Green eyes

Envy running through

Each pulsating beat

Chasming you

From me and my hatred

The lurking crow

Biting and punching

Better you don’t know.

Missing pieces

Pretending to be

A wholesome smile

With daggered teeth.

The monster I am

Appears at a call

Appears at a touch

And now it is all

I ever do see

In the mirror and light

A monster I am

Not just in the night.

Poem 18

I hadn’t anticipated

How hard it would be

To care for you

Although you’re not mine.

To hold your hand

And wash your face,

To cook your dinner,

Put you to bed.

I’ve loved you from the

Moment you were born

Cared as much for you

As I would my own.

Yet now I find

I watch you sit

With sorrow and regret

For what I’ve now missed.

Poem 17

I wonder what it would feel like
To not say I lost you
To tell my friends the happy news
That we are expecting you.

The saddened lost looks
Upon familial faces
Unknowing how to respond
On hearing you are gone.

They did not know that you existed
Yet their hearts dropped a beat
Faces tell the truth that
Words just cannot keep.

I wonder and wish that I could say
Two plus one makes three
I fear, yet hope, that that may be
And the faces will show glee.

Miscarriage

One month ago today, I went into hospital to have medical assistance for my miscarriage. Four days before that, I went to have my 12 week scan. There was no heartbeat and the baby measured at 9 weeks in size. It was the worst experience of my life.

For about 10 days after finding out, I was very closed off and, although I attempted to talk to people as though life was normal, all I could think about was that I wanted my child. After a breakdown following a conversation about babies, my husband made me go to the doctor to see if there was anyone who could help. I went to the doctor and broke down with her. She said the most important words to me, words which every family who have a miscarriage, however early, need to hear.

“You cannot go back to work like this. You need time to grieve.”

On those words I realised that I hadn’t allowed myself the opportunity to grieve for the child I had lost. I knew they were gone but I hadn’t grieved it. I felt like I would be judged for grieving the loss of a child I had never met but it was something I needed to do. Doing this changed me.

I had very dark thoughts during the start but after visiting the doctor, the edges of my mind started to have glints of light. Up until this point I had only written a sort of diary as my creativity had disappeared but, after the doctor, I started to write poetry again. I opened up my first poem “Poem 1” to a few friends who loved it. I then shared more of this poetry with a good friend who encouraged me to share it with the world. She said it helped her understand some of what I was going through and know how to respond to me without hurting my feelings. I have since shared a poem a day and I have more to come. Some are dark; some are hopeful; some have no relation to the miscarriage but I still want to share them.

No two people will experience miscarriage the same way and whether or not these poems help anyone, I will continue to expose them to the world just in case they provide some tiny comfort to a grieving family. I will end this with a fitting quote from C.S. Lewis:

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid,
but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach,
the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.”