Anxiety grips like I’m caught in a vice
Unsure how to question what is on my mind
Balancing desires to understand
With fear of rejection at your hand
Longing to know what you truly feel
When the chemicals take over and change what is real
In my head ; how my mind tells me you see me
That I’m not worth the time. I’m like an acne.
Always there but never desired
A constant presence leaving you mired
Tarnishing you with unwanted reminders
That I’m always there, even when quiet.
Anxiety grips and all I can see
Is that I, am not, worthy.
(I found this one hidden away in a desk. I think it was the start of a song but I’ve decided to share it as it is.)
There are no words
There’s no name
There’s no answer to guide this pain.
There’s no life
Nowhere to run
No recompense for the soul that is gone.
But I’m here
And I’m strong
And I hope that I’ll keep fighting on.
Day by day
Week by week
I can’t let my pain be my defeat.
The final days
As they draw near
Allow for reflections
To become much more clear.
Visions and actions
Embracing the change
New adventures to begin
Extending my range
Of skills and knowledge,
Applying my thoughts
And beating the odds
A story never ends
If it holds on to a part
Of your identity and self,
And your heart.
My knees have buckled from underneath
News of happiness breaks me in uneven two
Joy of the future for my family
Pain for the indirect child
Not born to me, although to be mine by God.
Contradictions in my mind
Positive sadness for the coming tide
I’m broken, that’s all, simple as.
My grief still yields a wealthy purse
Its strings still hanging over me by a thread
Alternating between weak and strong
The unspoken feeling of loss still dictates my every move.
One day, I hope, they be born of me,
As well as of you.
My mind wanders off to
What could have been
What could now be
What I might never see
The smile of a child
Half mine, half yours
The culmination of
Years of love
And desire for wanting
To hold you so near
To carry you inside
To kiss you, my dear.
My fears take over that
I may never see
A child of my own
…what would happen to me?
A broken face
Once full of dreams
Glints with memories of what could have been
If futures had altered
And paths foreseen
The shadows of the world, within.
I see the path
That calls to you
Whispering and dragging, pulling you to
The way that life
Is meant to be lived
Full of smiles, truths, and wonderment.
I beckon you
One day to see
What you deserve; you deserve to be free.
Over the last week I have opened up truths about the last year to a new friend. It wasn’t painful to be honest for once, it was refreshing. But something was painful.
I decided to write a short play for an event, which I did. Then I thought I should get back to the play I started writing last year. I found it and read through it again to remind myself where I needed to write more. That’s when it got painful. I threw my soul into those words and they bit me. I felt melancholy and close to tears the rest of the day, only feeling better when meeting the earlier mentioned friend.
Yesterday, I played the song I wrote almost a year ago which defines the miscarriage for me. I’ve played it a number of times but, this time, I started crying. Maybe it is just tiredness or maybe everything is feeling raw at the moment.
My husband thinks that it is the time of year. It is a year since I started writing again and I started learning to recover. Looking back on who I was then is like looking at a different person most of time time. I can sometimes see that anger though, glinting back up. I walk with my nephew and people smile at me. I don’t have that in the rest of my life.
Being a mother changes the way the world views you. Being a mother without a child changes the way you view the world.
Parallel lives, parallel worlds
Looking left and right at all that could be
Seeing the joy, seeing the sadness
Seeing the heartbreak bestowed on me
Now that you’re gone, returned to the ground
Now that you’re gone…
…I fear I’ll be found.
The sun warms my aching mind
Torn up over the life that has passed me by
A year of wonder, a year of pain
A year of not knowing if I’ll be the same
As once I was, just 12 months ago
As once I was when you made me whole.
The sun warms my healing heart
Reminding me that all things scar
They make us stronger, they make us stand tall
They show us that we recover when we fall
Down upon the worst of luck but, with love
I will always make it up.
When you look in your mind
And then you will find
Glimpses of the person
You knew that I was
Shimmers of the person
No longer with us.
But, look closer
And then you will see
She’s there in the shadows
Hiding from me.
Biding her time
Until she’s ready to be
That brave, stronger person
That brave, stronger me.