My knees have buckled from underneath
News of happiness breaks me in uneven two
Joy of the future for my family
Pain for the indirect child
Not born to me, although to be mine by God.
Contradictions in my mind
Positive sadness for the coming tide
I’m broken, that’s all, simple as.
My grief still yields a wealthy purse
Its strings still hanging over me by a thread
Alternating between weak and strong
The unspoken feeling of loss still dictates my every move.
One day, I hope, they be born of me,
As well as of you.
My mind wanders off to
What could have been
What could now be
What I might never see
The smile of a child
Half mine, half yours
The culmination of
Years of love
And desire for wanting
To hold you so near
To carry you inside
To kiss you, my dear.
My fears take over that
I may never see
A child of my own
…what would happen to me?
A broken face
Once full of dreams
Glints with memories of what could have been
If futures had altered
And paths foreseen
The shadows of the world, within.
I see the path
That calls to you
Whispering and dragging, pulling you to
The way that life
Is meant to be lived
Full of smiles, truths, and wonderment.
I beckon you
One day to see
What you deserve; you deserve to be free.
Over the last week I have opened up truths about the last year to a new friend. It wasn’t painful to be honest for once, it was refreshing. But something was painful.
I decided to write a short play for an event, which I did. Then I thought I should get back to the play I started writing last year. I found it and read through it again to remind myself where I needed to write more. That’s when it got painful. I threw my soul into those words and they bit me. I felt melancholy and close to tears the rest of the day, only feeling better when meeting the earlier mentioned friend.
Yesterday, I played the song I wrote almost a year ago which defines the miscarriage for me. I’ve played it a number of times but, this time, I started crying. Maybe it is just tiredness or maybe everything is feeling raw at the moment.
My husband thinks that it is the time of year. It is a year since I started writing again and I started learning to recover. Looking back on who I was then is like looking at a different person most of time time. I can sometimes see that anger though, glinting back up. I walk with my nephew and people smile at me. I don’t have that in the rest of my life.
Being a mother changes the way the world views you. Being a mother without a child changes the way you view the world.
Parallel lives, parallel worlds
Looking left and right at all that could be
Seeing the joy, seeing the sadness
Seeing the heartbreak bestowed on me
Now that you’re gone, returned to the ground
Now that you’re gone…
…I fear I’ll be found.
The sun warms my aching mind
Torn up over the life that has passed me by
A year of wonder, a year of pain
A year of not knowing if I’ll be the same
As once I was, just 12 months ago
As once I was when you made me whole.
The sun warms my healing heart
Reminding me that all things scar
They make us stronger, they make us stand tall
They show us that we recover when we fall
Down upon the worst of luck but, with love
I will always make it up.
When you look in your mind
And then you will find
Glimpses of the person
You knew that I was
Shimmers of the person
No longer with us.
But, look closer
And then you will see
She’s there in the shadows
Hiding from me.
Biding her time
Until she’s ready to be
That brave, stronger person
That brave, stronger me.
Out with a bang
Or even a swallow,
A sniff or a poke,
A noose on a gallow.
Falling through air
Driving too fast
So many options
When I didn’t want to last.
I stopped myself
When I knew that I could
I stopped myself
Because I knew you would
For not saving me
Now I thank you
It’s been a year now since you left
Life has changed more than I can express
The person in the mirror is no longer who I was
It’s like staring at a stranger from Oz.
One day is all it took
To turn my mind into a mess
To take the most precious thing I ever had
And leave me with emptiness instead.
And now today I sit and reflect
Review what my life has become
Good choices, bad choices, doused with regret
Of the path I have not overcome.
It has been one year since the worst day of my life: the day that honestly changed my life completely.
I wish I could say that I knew I was better for it but, in all honesty, I imagine that my baby is with me every day. I look at what I’m doing and think of how different my life would be right now if that heartbeat was still going.
In the year since my missed miscarriage, I have:
- Been diagnosed with depression
- Had grief counselling
- Self harmed for the first time
- Undergone CBT
- Had a PCOS (polycystic ovaries syndrome) diagnosis confirmed
- Suffered from stress so badly I wasn’t eating.
- Been diagnosed as prediabetes.
It has been one hell of a year. However, in that time I have also:
- Become an auntie
- Seen 5 friends/family members get married
- Seen friends become parents
- Made lots of new friends, including some who will definitely be forever friends
- Performed music live again
- Completed two charity swim events, raising £1000.
- Rebuilt my relationship with my sister
- Opened up about my problems to my family.
That last point may not seem that important because I open up on here but, in person, I keep my problems very much to myself. I have become much better at knowing that it is ok to show weakness and need to get support from people. This has partly helped rebuild my relationship with my sister. That and her supportiveness about the miscarriage all while she was pregnant herself. She has kept me as involved as I want in my nephew’s life, even giving me permission to come round and cuddle him whenevers I want because he is the thing that is guard to make my face light up again.
This year has caused an incredible transformation. Do I wish it had never happened? Of course. But I also recognise that I cannot change what has passed. If I let myself try, I will go insane. I remind myself to be thankful for the things that I do have and hope that everything has happened for a reason.