Over the last week I have opened up truths about the last year to a new friend. It wasn’t painful to be honest for once, it was refreshing. But something was painful.
I decided to write a short play for an event, which I did. Then I thought I should get back to the play I started writing last year. I found it and read through it again to remind myself where I needed to write more. That’s when it got painful. I threw my soul into those words and they bit me. I felt melancholy and close to tears the rest of the day, only feeling better when meeting the earlier mentioned friend.
Yesterday, I played the song I wrote almost a year ago which defines the miscarriage for me. I’ve played it a number of times but, this time, I started crying. Maybe it is just tiredness or maybe everything is feeling raw at the moment.
My husband thinks that it is the time of year. It is a year since I started writing again and I started learning to recover. Looking back on who I was then is like looking at a different person most of time time. I can sometimes see that anger though, glinting back up. I walk with my nephew and people smile at me. I don’t have that in the rest of my life.
Being a mother changes the way the world views you. Being a mother without a child changes the way you view the world.
The hardest thing
Is when people don’t know.
Comments pass by
Each one a blow.
The missing mention
Life was not good.
The jealous pangs
When people talk about
The laughter and smiles
Before forced to shout
At their beautiful gift
Present and true.
But I lost my gift.
I lost you.
Revelations of the life we could have had
Playtimes and snuggles at the drop of a hat.
Walking your pushchair down through the park
Protecting you so the sun won’t mark.
Watching and waiting as you slowly drop off
Into a peaceful sleep – it is never enough.
Wishing you would eat one more bite
Of the food presented in your clear sight.
Revelation: when you open your eyes and see
The smile that could have belonged to me.
One year ago.
One. Whole. Year.
One whole year since I first saw a faint line
And my life changed.
I’m not who I was
No longer that girl
The one with endless hope and smiles
Free from heartbreak.
Now I’m broken
Pieced back together, day by day, hour by hour.
Longing for that different life.
Tested and challenged;
Triumphed and defeated;
Discovering new limits and realms of me –
Today should be a day we celebrate
A day filled with joy, and pain
A day we meet a new life
And our life has some gain
But instead today we miss all things
The beauty of new life
Why can’t I have that life?
A pair of lungs that screams and screams
Until comforted by me
They settle info rhythmic rasps
Your time, it was not meant to be
Unhelpful as that knowledge is
I must go on, but I will remember
Your life that was never lived.
My heart still breaks when I think of how
I could have been meeting you
My body failed my heart which loved
A soul, destined to depart.
My love is pure as pure can be
For the soul too pure to face this world
Acceptance, my current state of grief
Believing heaven holds the best of me.