Poem 58

Am I betraying your memory

If I choose to stop?

Although – 

Did you have a memory for me to betray?
Sometimes I think it would be easier if

I forgot

And let all of the past disappear.

It hurts that I had to let you go

Yet

I’m thankful for what I’ve gained from it.

Losing you was worse than I could have thought

And yet – 

Do I regret it?

I wish you could splash through the bubbling brook

Creating a world full of chaos.

Instead I sit and watch the still stream

Still chaotic but

Invisible to see.

Poem 57

Up and down, up and down,

My moods they flutter up and down.

Approval granted for such variation

Doesn’t change the disappointed soul.

Happy yet sad, confused yet clear

I understand that you are not here

Life does go on, it has done, you’ve seen

Yet the grief attacks months after the scene.

Lows and highs, I feel them all

Powerful actions that cut through the heart

Warming or cooling depending upon

The aim of the attack thus far.

Freedom, I long for, my moods can’t sustain

The fluctuation of chemicals in my brain

Overthinking yet vacant, nothing in the stare

Nothing gazed upon either, now you’re not there.

Poem 56

New friendships blossom from the pain I have suffered

Growing strong whilst my child cannot

Invaluable companions, saving my life

I almost wish you’d go.

Friendships developed through a lack of something

Are they substitutions for love,

Or a healing factor necessary to

Reacquaint with my true self?

Extraordinary love of a friend still new

Reliant on our relationship I’ve become

The balance of someone new in my life

Replacing what has gone.

Poem 55

Bump, no bump

What difference does it make

The physical manifestation of the missing piece.

That bump you hide

How I’d long to flaunt it

Presenting with pride the child within.

Embarassed by your size

Why do you fear it so?

What I would give that mine didn’t go.

Counteracting sadness

That I can’t reveal

A similar product – I’m physically healed.

Poem 54

Sadness falls over my happy life
Regret and guilt over feeling fine
Confusion that I’m enjoying this time
– Healing. Acceptance. Quite.

I didn’t see that this day would come
Overwhelmed with being myself once more
Life pulling the happy turns through
Making sure to reintroduce the found ghost.

I’ve grown and I’ve learnt that it can get better
Although your loss will stay with me forever
I fluctuate in mood but overall I see
There’s nothing wrong with being free.

Poem 53

Happiness, it overwhelms
An unfamiliar feeling of late
Surprised by jovial attitudes
That make my cheeks ache.
The smiles and laugher returned to me
As though awoken from my fear
The chaos settled, comfortably
Now that my thoughts rest near.
Helpful presence in my life
That joyful internal spirit
Flickering the smiles into fast paced snapshots
 There is life in it.
Welcome to the happy realm
Where life can now go on.
Much can be said of being joyful
Happiness and I are one.

Poem 51

The water laps upon the mystical shore
Swallowing the sand and rocks like prey
Beating the shells into submission before
The tide steals them far away.

I hear the crashing of the water from afar
Breaking the shore with restless wonder
The salty air cleansing my troublesome soul
Purging good and wickedness asunder.
Crash
Pull
Gentle sounds
Soothing the goodness and restoring
The failed body, internally scarred,

Forever in mourning?

Poem 50

You opened up, revealing truths

Heard to other ears only once before

On hearing of my bodies rejection

You spoke of yours.

I cried.

My heart pained for the lost soul

Unexpected and unplanned though it was

Wishing you’d had a choice

The freedom of your own will.

How thankless it can be to be a woman

To carry a body only for the life to

Leave before the growing has truly begun

Marking you as mother of none.

A now spoken bond between two friends

Undesired but nonetheless worthy

Wanted or unwanted, the children are gone

It is never easy.

Poem 49

Life is crumbling from normality

Fading into a juxtaposed state

Here and there, love and lost love

Where do I sit to know what is right?

The echoes of a life together

With now lost love which once he held

She held the hopes of all futures

One to unite, eternal vows.

Has it gone or is it hiding

Caught up in the rest of life not

Unravelling, just caught on the corner

Awaiting a hopeful verdict on true love.