One year on

It has been one year since the worst day of my life: the day that honestly changed my life completely.

I wish I could say that I knew I was better for it but, in all honesty, I imagine that my baby is with me every day. I look at what I’m doing and think of how different my life would be right now if that heartbeat was still going.

In the year since my missed miscarriage, I have:

  • Been diagnosed with depression
  • Had grief counselling
  • Self harmed for the first time
  • Undergone CBT
  • Had a PCOS (polycystic ovaries syndrome) diagnosis confirmed
  • Suffered from stress so badly I wasn’t eating.
  • Been diagnosed as prediabetes.

It has been one hell of a year. However, in that time I have also:

  • Become an auntie
  • Seen 5 friends/family members get married
  • Seen friends become parents
  • Made lots of new friends, including some who will definitely be forever friends
  • Performed music live again
  • Completed two charity swim events, raising £1000.
  • Rebuilt my relationship with my sister
  • Opened up about my problems to my family.

That last point may not seem that important because I open up on here but, in person, I keep my problems very much to myself. I have become much better at knowing that it is ok to show weakness and need to get support from people. This has partly helped rebuild my relationship with my sister. That and her supportiveness about the miscarriage all while she was pregnant herself. She has kept me as involved as I want in my nephew’s life, even giving me permission to come round and cuddle him whenevers I want because he is the thing that is guard to make my face light up again.

This year has caused an incredible transformation. Do I wish it had never happened? Of course. But I also recognise that I cannot change what has passed. If I let myself try, I will go insane. I remind myself to be thankful for the things that I do have and hope that everything has happened for a reason.

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Poem 75

One year ago.
One. Whole. Year.
One whole year since I first saw a faint line
And my life changed.
I’m not who I was
No longer that girl
The one with endless hope and smiles
Free from heartbreak.
Now I’m broken
And re-formed
Pieced back together, day by day, hour by hour.
Longing for that different life.
Tested and challenged;
Triumphed and defeated;
Discovering new limits and realms of me –
Destroyed?
Recovered?
Just being.

Mother without a child

All the children scream “Happy Mother’s Day”
They fawn and cuddle with delight
Presenting gifts with hushed tones
Hoping that they got it right.

Their mothers get spoilt and pampered
Enjoying a day that’s for them
Happy that their smiling faces
Are maybe behaving again.

But what of those childless mothers
How do they celebrate this day?
Always longing that they will be presented with
A card simply saying “Mummmy”

They’ve never experienced the joy of today
From the view of the mother, not child
But a mother they still are, even though
Their child passed before being alive.

On Mother’s Day we join to celebrate
Throw gifts onto our creators
But spare a thought, my dear friend
For the mums who have lost their creations.

Poem 74

I walk down the long and winding road

Such beautiful views to see

Until I reach a fork in the path

The choice is up to me.

To follow the hopes and dreams and fear

Of not achieving what could be

Or to risk it all and be able to say

At least I came home safely.

The decision, it rests on who I am

At this single moment in my life

The me of darkness, full of pain

The lacklustre me full of strife.

Which path to choose, new hope could there be

Down the path invitingly green

“Take a chance and you’ll see your right to be free”

It calls so temptingly.

To go left or go right

My feet remain still

I’m floored, I’m stuck

There’s no free will.

Poem 73

It’s tiring
Pretending to be strong
My facade is effective
While the inside crumbles.
It’s hard to admit
The unwilling wallowing within
I can’t be the me
That I used to be.
Imbalanced and confused
No easy way to define
The feelings that
Overwhelm – pride.
I can’t admit
For the world to see
All my struggles are there
If you look closely.
See the hollow eye
Now devoid of its smile
It occasionally fills but
Is it a lie?
There once was a smile
For the world to see
You still see that facade
But there is no more me.

Never met due date

Today should be a day we celebrate
A day filled with joy, and pain
A day we meet a new life
And our life has some gain
But instead today we miss all things
The beauty of new life
Sadness overwhelms
Why can’t I have that life?
A pair of lungs that screams and screams
Until comforted by me
They settle info rhythmic rasps
With synchronicity.
Your time, it was not meant to be
Unhelpful as that knowledge is
I must go on, but I will remember
Your life that was never lived.

Poem 71

I’d give all my heartbeats

To have you here

Lying awake, screaming

Not sleeping or dreaming

But wanting me near.

Though by losing you

I’ve come to see

How much more I would cherish

The siblings you’ll

Never meet.

Every moment of pain

Whilst carrying their form

I’ll try not to complain

For a miracle will be born.

Every restless night

And aching back

I’ll think and love

– You gave me that.

For though you left this world

Before you could be

Your mark is irreplaceable

You’ve forever marked me.

Poem 70

I look in the mirror and all I can see

Is desires, promised of what could have been

What should have been if you’d be here

Instead my mortal flesh now drowned in despair.

If you were here my eyes would shine

Sparkling with futures yet unknown

My cheeks would ache from all the smiles

Tired hands massaging the tired bones.

My furrowed brow still furrowed with you

Through worry rather than feeling blue

And my ears would listen, ever alert

Fearing a cry that signals hurt.

I look in the mirror and all I can see

Is the loneliness of being, the loneliness of me.

Poem 69

Love is honesty
Faith
Trust
And respect.

This is what
true love
aspires
to uphold.

I am honest when I am with you
I bear my soul to you.
You see my strengths and my flaws and
still
love
me.
For this I love you more.

I have faith when I am with you.
Faith that I am safe in your arms and
free from all dangers
supported when
harm
is
near.
For this I love you more.

I have trust when I am with you.
I trust you with my heart and life.
You are the most important thing in my world and
I trust that you will
always
be
that.
For this I love you more.

I have respect when I am with you.
You look and listen,
seeing and hearing my views and opinions,
accepting my ways or explaining yours.
We don’t always agree but we
accept
and
respect.
For this I love you more.