What would you think if you met me today?
Would you be sad or happy to see me?
So affected by your loss have I been that
You might not recognise this being.
My mind has been fractured, destroyed by the pain
The grief, the anger, the heartbreak
But my body only bears one scar
From when I tried to end it.
If you could see how you’re loved
And how your death has wrecked me
Maybe you wouldn’t have gone.
Your life could have saved me.
I feel weak for not being the version of me
Who understands and copes with what has gone wrong
The version who accepts that pain is good and that
Bottling only causes harm.
I hate that I can’t be free from these thoughts
Taking over my mind like a wraith
Digging into the trenches and
Pouring concrete to make them stay.
Breaking the thoughts is the hardest thing
Aside from surviving with your loss
I wish I could break the pain of my heart
Now that my love is lost.
Am I betraying your memory
If I choose to stop?
Did you have a memory for me to betray?
Sometimes I think it would be easier if
And let all of the past disappear.
It hurts that I had to let you go
I’m thankful for what I’ve gained from it.
Losing you was worse than I could have thought
And yet –
Do I regret it?
I wish you could splash through the bubbling brook
Creating a world full of chaos.
Instead I sit and watch the still stream
Still chaotic but
Invisible to see.
Up and down, up and down,
My moods they flutter up and down.
Approval granted for such variation
Doesn’t change the disappointed soul.
Happy yet sad, confused yet clear
I understand that you are not here
Life does go on, it has done, you’ve seen
Yet the grief attacks months after the scene.
Lows and highs, I feel them all
Powerful actions that cut through the heart
Warming or cooling depending upon
The aim of the attack thus far.
Freedom, I long for, my moods can’t sustain
The fluctuation of chemicals in my brain
Overthinking yet vacant, nothing in the stare
Nothing gazed upon either, now you’re not there.
New friendships blossom from the pain I have suffered
Growing strong whilst my child cannot
Invaluable companions, saving my life
I almost wish you’d go.
Friendships developed through a lack of something
Are they substitutions for love,
Or a healing factor necessary to
Reacquaint with my true self?
Extraordinary love of a friend still new
Reliant on our relationship I’ve become
The balance of someone new in my life
Replacing what has gone.
Bump, no bump
What difference does it make
The physical manifestation of the missing piece.
That bump you hide
How I’d long to flaunt it
Presenting with pride the child within.
Embarassed by your size
Why do you fear it so?
What I would give that mine didn’t go.
That I can’t reveal
A similar product – I’m physically healed.
Sadness falls over my happy life
Regret and guilt over feeling fine
Confusion that I’m enjoying this time
– Healing. Acceptance. Quite.
I didn’t see that this day would come
Overwhelmed with being myself once more
Life pulling the happy turns through
Making sure to reintroduce the found ghost.
I’ve grown and I’ve learnt that it can get better
Although your loss will stay with me forever
I fluctuate in mood but overall I see
There’s nothing wrong with being free.