Broken hearts and shattered souls
A vacant life to behold
The wonders of what could have been
Has this year finally won?
Acceptance that I will not be
Alright, right now at least
Give me some time, I will return
A stronger, safer, me.
I trust that what has been is right
That fate made it all so
And with this truth I look forward to
The next act of my show.
For who can predict how we will be
A trigger, large or small
Can set us to be safe and free
Or make us fail it all.
I choose to be the me I was
Though hard as it may be
Life will not beat me anymore
I will fight to return to me.
What would you think if you met me today?
Would you be sad or happy to see me?
So affected by your loss have I been that
You might not recognise this being.
My mind has been fractured, destroyed by the pain
The grief, the anger, the heartbreak
But my body only bears one scar
From when I tried to end it.
If you could see how you’re loved
And how your death has wrecked me
Maybe you wouldn’t have gone.
Your life could have saved me.
I feel weak for not being the version of me
Who understands and copes with what has gone wrong
The version who accepts that pain is good and that
Bottling only causes harm.
I hate that I can’t be free from these thoughts
Taking over my mind like a wraith
Digging into the trenches and
Pouring concrete to make them stay.
Breaking the thoughts is the hardest thing
Aside from surviving with your loss
I wish I could break the pain of my heart
Now that my love is lost.
Am I betraying your memory
If I choose to stop?
Did you have a memory for me to betray?
Sometimes I think it would be easier if
And let all of the past disappear.
It hurts that I had to let you go
I’m thankful for what I’ve gained from it.
Losing you was worse than I could have thought
And yet –
Do I regret it?
I wish you could splash through the bubbling brook
Creating a world full of chaos.
Instead I sit and watch the still stream
Still chaotic but
Invisible to see.